got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
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Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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