How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
