Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
