dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
