Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
