If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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