i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
