Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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