I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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