If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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