Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
