you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
