I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
