Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
