Someone shit on the floor
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
