why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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