Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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