were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.