you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino