How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...