i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.