rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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