My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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