dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
