watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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