conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
is wine microwaveable?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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