can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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