When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
