If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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