I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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