when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
