I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
