this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
