my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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