Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
