Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
