i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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