What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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