when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
