the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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