What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
