Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
