My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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