At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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