are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
we have pet lesbian snakes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
