when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
