I cannot find my penis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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