a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
