And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.