dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies