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god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
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