After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.