I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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