It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
two words...techno handjob
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
