I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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