When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
