My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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