I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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