how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
