We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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