My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
