Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
