my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
