Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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