Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
