he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
