I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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