I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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