I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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