I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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