....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
