Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
