So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
